Chapter 30: MUDDLED

Secluded.  Singular.  I was back on the island, and it was early April, trying to get my life in order for the next 6 months.

Wanderlust was at every corner I turned on the island.  From the brick cobblestones on Main Street that took me back to time spent in Italy to the sunsets which reminded me of my travels through New Zealand, I had the itch-the urge-the readiness to explore, I was ready to run to a far away land, go some place where no one knew me and learn a different way of life again.  But I couldn’t do it.  I had grown up a little and I knew it was time to take THIS time that I had come back early to get working on my new projects.  It was time to grow my career.  And this time, I needed to anchor myself to the island and work my tail off.  You see, I finally learned what the word sacrifice meant.  Not giving up your dreams, but pursuing them and putting the leisure aside just for a bit while you accomplish those goals.  And then it would come. Soon enough it will be time to fly.  Come December.  Destination December.  

I set the list.  Not the bucket list, but the forever-list.  The ‘what I am going to make of myself' list.  For so long I had tried to figure out what it was I wanted.  I even fell in love with pursuing other peoples goals along the way.  The ones that sounded so enticing and when I tried them out they were everything BUT what they looked like on the surface.  

    I had finally come to the realization that everything I had been longing for, was always within me.  It was right inside, tucked away, hidden like a precious gem in an African Desert. And I had finally discovered it that past winter.  It's crazy how sometimes you can't see whats been right in front of your face all along.

That summer, so different than the others, I spent with a feeling of wishing I had a get out of jail free card.  A lottery ticket to get me out of there. I knew great things were ahead.  It was just so tough to see beyond the bar as I reached for the mint to make more mojito's than I ever wanted to see.  I was feeling trapped.  I was feeling muddled.